Ramblings

haha emo post :)

fake a smile and pretend everything is fine. Funny isn't it? I'm a person who doesnt have much control over my emotions, yet, when i want to, i can continue to fake a smile and pretend that nothing happened.

Im sad :) Wear a mask and masquerade through life as though nothing ever gets in your way or makes you down.

What am I still alive? I have failed so many times. probably more times than anyone can count. every single one of my dreams have failed me so far. An accomplished musician? out. a writier? out. a great student leader? out. i cant even get any leadership positions despite the high influx of them in school. join the losers club. a successful track athlete? out. Why am i typing all these? i really have no idea. end everything. rot and die. I tried so hard, over so many years and everyone else is still better than i am. Im always second class. I dont have the talent, the motivation, the focus or anything of that sort to succeed. I always lag behind, one step behind everyone else. haha flame me after you read all these for all i care saying that i am a arrogant brat that overestimates myself. these were... WERE my actual ambitions a few years back. I achieved none of them. the feelings of rejection... why am i not good enough? where did i go wrong?

They say, that in every one of us theres a giant waiting to be unleashed, or a musical instrument waiting to be discovered and mastered so that all the world may know and appreciate our talent. My giant's probably punny though. can hardwork really achieve everything? whats the real key to success? is my instrument broken?   

Yet, it amazes me that God still loves me even though I am this broken and failed. Its an unconditional love thats hard to grasp. certainly, if how i am valued and loved depended on my achievements, then i would be loved by no one.

I have been going through a dark period in my life recently. all these emotions and commitments keep coming up and i have no idea why. I am busy, yet at the same time i feel unaccepted and rejected. But somehow, I feel God is keeping me afloat. a few days ago when i prayed, i felt safe and reassured, at least for that time spent with God. I am still struggling now, and i fear this may continue for quite a while. still, though my future is uncertain, i have decided to place my faith in God to pull me through even though i can't see any light at the end of this tunnel.

random thought: I wonder, if you burn up all your certs, including your birth cert and IC and all your school records, are you still considered to exist in this world?