Letting go

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “ if it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone then, who knows good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins. (James 4: 13-17)

Today had a sermon that really spoke to my heart. For quite a while, perhaps even months, I had been struggling with the same problem of letting go. From my fuzzy memory, it seems that God had impressed upon my heart a few times this year to let go of my school work, ministry and goals and lay them all down to him.

In the past month, it seemed to be even stronger as my exam period loomed nearer. Every time this happened, I would feel a sense of panic and fear and a very strong unwillingness to trust God with my life, sadly, especially my grades. As weird as it may have sounded, I had a very strong misconception that letting go meant pretty much allowing everything to fail in spite of how much effort I put in. That is, letting go for me meant God was going to screw up my life by making me fail everything while continuing to have faith in Him and pretend as though nothing serious had happened.

How wrong I was.

As I prayed, I started to realize that letting go did not equate to failure. For me, it started to mean placing faith in God no matter the outcome. So as exams approached, I mugged. I mugged like crazy, much more than I ever did in my previous years. But at the end of each exam, I felt a peace, knowing that I had done my best and that the rest was for God to decide. I think I started to understand the meaning of letting go.

At this current time, many more prospects and uncertainties loom in my future and definitely, I will be tempted once again to reply on my own strength and try to dictate my own life. I guess, the only way to overcome this would be to continue praying and examining my own life as I progress throughout life. Faith, I would suppose, is not just about how much you do not doubt in God, but I feel a sense that you really know He is in control.

Yay incoherent post :D